Trapped in a Courtroom

So it looks as if today will finally bring the I-can't-believe-it start of the R. Kelly trial. Almost six years after he was indicted, R. Kelly will ask a jury to believe that he is not peeing into the mouth of a child as young as 13 on that notorious video. This may be a problem since the prosecution supposedly has found a witness who had a ménage à trois with Kelly and the purported video girl. It also may be a problem since the line of reported Kells victims over the years could form a ring around Wrigley Field.

So to break it down: This may be the dirtiest trial in modern times of a man whose name is often mentioned in the same breath as genius. Many thought this day would never come what with the delays prompted by exploding appendixes and ladder falls. Kells has put the intervening years to good use though. He got into fights with Jay-Z and Ne-Yo. He worked drive-thrus. His long-time publicists quit, reportedly because he slept with her 19-year-old daughter. Oh, and he released increasingly critically acclaimed albums that millions of people bought. The self-proclaimed Pied Piper of R&B, because allusions to luring children when indicted on child porn charges isn't weird at all, also gave an interview some time back to Primetime Live. Here's my favorite quote:

ABC News Reporter: "Do you think that it is immoral for an older man to have sex with an underage girl?

R. Kelly: "If they're in love, I really can't be the judge of that."

Who's the Real Girl Now?

During that whole greatest-team-ever Patriots hubbub last year, I was shot down when I asked men whether Tom Brady was the first true sports icon who was metrosexual. Joe Namath, duh, was the typical reaction. I accepted that as that I had never seen the iconic pantyhose ads Namath did back when everyone telling me duh was in diapers or wasn't yet alive. But, upon further reflection, I think I have a case.

Look here at the picture of Tom Brady at the Met's Costume Ball this week. Do people paid to model tuxedos look more comfortable? It's like the tux is his clothing of choice, people. Then consider, the commercial below of Broadway Joe and his girly legs. He's definitely comfortable with himself, but it's more cheesy than metrosexual, if you ask me. Granted it was the 1970s, so maybe he was the first metrosexual but Brady has to be the best one to date. I think I still win.

Guess You Had To Be There

Even though 7-Eleven claims that more than 11.6 million Slurpees are consumed a day globally, I didn't have my first one until Sunday. My excuse: I never lived in a town with a 7-Eleven. And I was planning to avoid the new one in my hood because it's shiny and the wide aisles freaked me out a little. Cleanliness and not using every single possible space of your business is suspect in our neighborhood. But my coworker urged me (to the point of sounding insane) to have a Slurpee immediately. So upon sipping my icy carbonated drink Sunday, I thought it was sorta good. But I knew I would have coveted it as a 12-year-old. Something about eating/ drinking/ listening/ trying/ reading/ watching certain things for the first time as an adult is just wrong. You've already missed that window of goodness. My list of things that would fall short if I first experienced them now:

Top Gun

My reaction as a grade schooler: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Tom Cruise is so hot! And when he sings to Kelly McGillis? OH MY GOD! Flying planes seems fun. I should do that. I need to find out what that requires when I finish taping this picture of Tom Cruise from BOP magazine to my wall.

My reaction if I saw it now: What a jingoistic piece of crap! I get that Tom Cruise is a movie star, but he is so creepy. Why does Maverick think its OK to ask Charlie if he can shower when he arrives at her place for their dinner date? Why does Anthony Edwards always play the most likable character in things and then die? And why is that volleyball scene so homoerotic?

The Dukes of Hazzard

My reaction as a kid: I LOVE THIS SHOW MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. Two cute brothers, a pretty and fun sister, a Basset Hound, cool car and doofus man in charge? Greatest show ever. And I love that John Schneider album my Dad got my for my birthday!

My reaction now: I wish I had that Basset Hound.

Stale popcorn

My reaction then: Who cares if Mom made this huge batch in a Tupperware three weeks ago? It's still salty and delicious.

My reaction now: I drank enough last night that the dregs of this left over bag of microwave popcorn still sorta tastes OK.

So Bosc Nation, what's your list? And don't even think of including Dirty Dancing because that movie still rocks.

One of These Things Is Just Like the Other

Jeremiah Wright (right), on 9/11:

"We bombed Hiroshima, we bombed Nagasaki, and we nuked far more than the thousands in New York and the Pentagon, and we never batted an eye. We have supported state terrorism against the Palestinians and black South Africans, and now we are indignant because the stuff we have done overseas is now brought right back to our own front yards. America's chickens are coming home to roost." -- Sept. 16, 2001

John Hagee (below left), on Hurricane Katrina:

"All hurricanes are acts of God because God controls the heavens. I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God and they were recipients of the judgment of God for that." -- Sept. 18, 2006

Wright, on the United States:

"The government gives them the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law and then wants us to sing 'God Bless America.' No, no, no, God damn America, that's in the Bible for killing innocent people. God damn America for treating our citizens as less than human. God damn America for as long as she acts like she is God and she is supreme." -- April 13, 2003

Hagee, on the United States:

"As a nation, America is under the curse of God, even now. Look at the scriptures and see for yourself. The stand we have taken on abortion, the stand we have taken against God in our classrooms, just may have sealed or doom." -- 1997

Wright, as crackpot:

"The government lied about inventing the HIV virus as a means of genocide against people of color. The government lied." -- April 13, 2003

Hagee, as crackpot:

"As millions of people anticipate the release of the latest Harry Potter book and film, we're reminded once again of Satan's ongoing attempt to deceive and destroy. The whole purpose of the Potter books is to desensitize readers and introduce them to the occult." -- July 9, 2007

Barack Obama, on Wright:

"Anybody who has worked with me, who knows my life, who has read my books, who has seen what this campaign's about, I think, will understand that it is completely opposed to what I stand for and where I want to take this country." -- April 29, 2008

John McCain, on Hagee:

"I admire and respect Dr. Hagee's leadership of the -- of his church. I admire and appreciate his advocacy for the state of Israel -- the independence and freedom of the state of Israel. I condemn remarks that are made that has anything to do which is condemning of the Catholic Church. ... I'm glad to have his endorsement. I condemn remarks that are in any way viewed as anti-anything." -- April 20, 2008

It's fun to do bad things...

Shit wrapped in plastic

As the soon-to-be-father of one Decabooter, I recently purchased a diaper genie in anticipation of the little feces balls that we'll be collecting and stringing together in long sausage links like this guy. I've been thinking about all this shit that'll be wrapped up in plastic thanks to me. Each week, it'll be my job to lug one plastic feces sausage out to the curb to be tucked away in a landfill for all of posterity. Alongside these baby shits will be the dog shit I collect and wrap in plastic bags when I eventually become a dog walker as well as my eventual grandpa shits wrapped in Depends when I finally get to just let go. My shit will be preserved for millennia so that some future archeologist can dig up these little poop preservers and wonder why an entire generation of Americans tried to save their excrement. But when you think about that archeologist trying to explain these efforts to ensure that this shit doesn't just decompose as fast as possible, you gotta admit: it's totally worth it.

The Tragic Scars of the American Dream

There are probably 100 cars parked along the route I walk twice a day to allow Dog No. 1 to relieve herself. And what amazed me, today in particular, was that nearly all of the cars I passed had what, in my car-owning days, I would have called appalling damage. Dings, scratches, scrapes and outright dents. It was, if you'll allow some melodrama, an obscene movie written in fenders. A pimply teenage face in glossy paint and plastic.

Last night, someone described living in New York to me as being in an abusive relationship, which I instantly related to long lines, loud noises and bad smells. But here is the front line of the conflict, a ravaged picket line in the tired skin of every car in town.

Why would you put up with $3 gasoline and high insurance rates, which in the city would be more than $200 a month for even the safest driver, never mind a car payment, to have a car that is subjected to such indignities?

Owning a car once meant owning a slice of freedom. A transforming power. An innate insight into what it means to be an American.

Instead, we see destruction and hear the haunting sounds of more to come.